Suck it up Babycakes!

Hey, are you awake?  I can’t sleep again.  Must be worry – I am trying not to… but, since I am not asleep - I guess it isn’t working.  I feel like hiding under the bed but rationality keeps reminding me to face my fears. 

I found some lumps - painful and insidious - running along my ribcage… and this, coupled with crippling painful, crushing sensations have forced me to seek medical advice.

Sitting across from yet another Specialist, (who is looking at me like I’m a 3D puzzle) I can’t help feeling like I have sung this song too many times before.  The song sheet is worn and wrinkled from use, the folds along the spine are worst of all.  Centralised Pain?  Central Sensitization?  Chronic pain, fibromyalgia, nerve damage, surgeries, treatments, physio, shrinks… the list goes on and on, an exhaustive medical concordance.

As soon as I mentioned the lumps, he threw the big C out there - a curve ball that has since chipped away at my sleep and my sanity.  More tests and scans.  I fear the worst – who wouldn't?  Today was the day that I would find out if they’re tumors.  Google can be such a curse when you are impatient for results!  Nothing good ever came out of Google when you type in symptoms and tests!

For the second time in two weeks I walk into his room resignation etched into my very soul.  I am expecting a resolution of some kind, I have prepared myself for the worst.  The man who did the scan told me that he saw inflammation in my sternum, so I am expecting… something.  He looks at me, takes a breath and begins to speak, “Tracy, I am pleased to tell you that the scan came back normal.  Normal for you, that is, a bit of inflammation and arthritis, but nothing that would be an obvious cause for the lumps or for the pain that you are experiencing… certainly nothing in the bone anyway…”  White noise.  He rambled on for a bit as relief spread like a balm. No cancer, no tumours…  Once this had sunk in I made a sincere effort to pay attention again to what he was saying.

No news is good news, but no news also means no answers, no plan and no idea what is causing this. Can I behave like a petulant child for just a moment?

Why can things never just be simple?  Why could it not just be: we can see that this is the problem, this is the way we treat/fix this problem and so there is a simple solution.  You may now get on with your life.  Is that unreasonable?  Inside Babycakes stamps her feet and screams in absolute frustration!  No reason?  Refer me back to where I have come from?  Nothing you can do?  Waaah! Sniff, snort, sob. 

SUCK IT UP BABYCAKES!

So here I am, another week has passed and I am still no closer to an answer.  I still find myself in agony every day – it’s just the depth that varies.  Does this mean that there is no answer?  Should I simply accept my lot and get on with it? 

Then the voice of my inner shrink comes out: “You have the only answer you're gonna get, you have central pain syndrome which is real and causes real problems like allodynia and hyperalgesia and that, is ALL it is”. 

THAT IS ALL BABYCAKES!  

When I need a really good talking to there is only one person who I will really listen to... ME.

So Babycakes pulled on her big girl panties, sucked it up and moved on… 

But she still isn't thrilled about it!

No pets, no smokers...

There are many challenges to living in Auckland’s North Shore.  Housing prices are exorbitant and the current lending rules that you must have a 20% deposit are not possible for the average family.  This and the fact that we lost a significant amount of money on our Palmerston North house sale mean that we are forced to rent.

This brings me to my latest bugbear, practically every decent house that is for rent has a stipulation that says, “no dogs, no smokers”.  This drives me INSANE!!!  My house is cleaner and tidier than about 70% of the rentals that we look at.  I think that it is incredibly unfair that owners/landlords can make such a stipulation without even doing a reference to see if you are a good tenant or not.

Surely it counts that we have always been thanked and commended at every inspection, that we have never missed or been late with a payment and that we have improved practically every property that we have lived in, at our own expense.  Why is it that having a dog is seen as a negative?  My dog is unmistakably less of a problem to have in the house than most children!  This is not to say that this should become a rental stipulation, but it is just as ridiculous!

Another absolute blood-boiler is when ad’s read “cat ok, no dogs”.  WTF have you ever smelled cat pee?  Wowzers! Have you ever seen what cats can do to curtains, drywall and carpet?  Again, this is not to upset my feline friendlies because cats are great pets, if you are not allergic to them.  However, I don’t quite get what makes a cat a better tenant than a dog?  Can anyone explain that to me?  

It can’t possibly have anything to do with cleanliness, my dog is bathed regularly (and I don’t mean licking herself) she is non-shedding and perfectly domesticated. Nope, my dog is clean as!  Also, my dog goes outside to do her business – there is no smelly litter box in my house.  

Picking up the poop in the garden? Duh, we also use it and prefer not to have to dodge the landmines, so yes, we pick it up! 

No pet stains or hair either – I have not heard of a non-shedding cat?  Except for maybe the hairless ones.  

My dog has never brought a dead rat into the house as a "special gift".

It can’t have anything to do with barking or noise because the landlord would not be affected by this. Aside from the fact that my dog only barks when there is action. Also, have you ever heard a cat fight in the middle of the night?  Nah, it can’t be the noise.  
Is it the idea of fleas and worms?  Uh-hum, cats can get those too and because our dog is an inside princess she has regular flea treatments and is de-wormed 3 times a year as recommended by our vet. This has NEVER been a problem in our home.

So what is it?  What on earth makes a dog a bad tenant?  Can someone please explain?  Come on Auckland landlords wake up and smell the money – not all dog owners could/would/should appear on “Renters”. Just once I would like that stupid show to show the great tenants and celebrate the fact that we also exist (even when we have a dog in our family).

Here are a few facts about dog owners easily found on the internet…

• Dogs are a great source of social and emotional support for everyone.
• Dog owners have great self-esteem, are more physically fit, less lonely, more conscientious and friendly.
• Dog owners are less likely to suffer from depression than those without pets.
• A study showed that people with dogs often experience the greatest health benefits. 
• Not only do children who grow up with pets have less risk of allergies and asthma, many also learn responsibility, compassion, and empathy from having pets.

“Some landlords believe pets cause damage to their property and furnishings. However, often the reality is that pets are no trouble and are in fact, a signal that the tenant is committed to making the property a home. Turning down tenants with pets may mean that landlords are not only forgoing good tenants, but losing out on longer lets." 

"It makes me wonder how many pets get dumped because their owners can't find a place to live."


References 
http://www.independent.co.uk/property/why-pet-owners-make-good-tenants-9275232.html 
http://www.fetchmag.co.nz/ARTICLES/TRAINING++SKILLS/Renting+with+dogs.html 
http://www.nzherald.co.nz/aucklander/news/article.cfm?c_id=1503378&objectid=10991758 
http://www.helpguide.org/life/pets.htm
http://news.distractify.com/geek/science/reasons-you-absolutely-need-a-dog-in-your-life/

Parenting Teenage Girls in the New Milleniuim

"It is really difficult to parent teenagers these days!"

I am pretty sure that every generation of parents has made the following statement about every generation of children, but does this statement become more true for each generation?  I think it might.

My parents were born in the 1940's, WWII, in the first half of the decade, followed by the Cold War and the post war boom which lasted well into the 1970's.  The first computer was built and so was the first atomic bomb (ouch!) along with radar, ballistic missiles, jet aircraft, the Jeep, the commercial television, the slinky, the microwave oven, Velcro, Tupperware and the frisbee!  I am sure parents of children born in the 1940's were concerned about what the future held for their rock 'n roll, hip gyrating, Elvis Presley and Beetle loving children's souls!

I was born in the 1970's when man first walked on the moon, the first face lifts were attempted and the first MRI image was published, this was the worst economic decade since the great depression. Nelson Mandela was already in jail and Maggie Thatcher was the first woman Prime Minister of the United Kingdom.  I grew up with TV games and video machines, tape decks, pocket calculators and the ingenious walkman!  You were super cool if you had a cordless phone or an answering machine and smoking was unrestricted in public places and was even admired.

My first child was born in 1998, we had dial-up internet and many homes had personal computers with an amazing 16MB capacity!  Apartheid had ended and Nelson Mandela was not only a free man but the President.  Cell phones were widely used and e-commerce began to build.  Digital cameras were commercially available and Apple introduced the iMac Computer.  CD's had taken over from cassette tapes and computers came standard with a CD burner.  The DVD format was introduced and pagers were widely popular.

My second child was born in 2000 - a millennium baby!  A time for massive growth of the internet, 9/11 and the war on terror and later in this decade, the Global Financial Crisis.  The first robot landed on Mars, space tourism began, broadband accelerated the internet and Facebook took over the world, along with smart phones and YouTube.  These kids live their lives online and cannot comprehend a world without instant gratification.

It is scary parenting now.  We have to protect our children from and educate them about the whole world-wide-web of information.  There is nothing that they cannot find on Google and books are becoming obsolete, along with asking your parents for information.  Today a good figure is all about the thigh gap and how short/tight/sexy your clothes are, is your hair and make-up okay for school?  What does the future hold?  As a mother of girls this can be a terrifying concept!

This week I watched the Video Music Awards with my daughters, I was really astounded by the tiny pieces of cloth these singers were clad in as well as the degree of sexuality that was displayed on stage.  I wonder what my grandparents would think?  Soft-porn was the description that sprung to my mind.  I am not a prude and I believe that a woman is a sexual being and should be able to celebrate her sexuality as much as her male counterparts but watching the men perform, was not nearly as lewd.  I recall last year when Mylie's twerking was all anyone could talk about (now most female artists are wearing what is essentially underwear and even dry humping their own hands on stage, etc).


What is happening?  Why was there so much hype about Robin Thicke's "Good Girls" - because he dared to degrade and undermine women; where now they seem to be doing a pretty good job of that all by themselves.  I was proud of NZ's own Lorde who walked out in her modest pants suit and showed that talent does not require near nakedness but wonder if there could not be a healthy balance please?  Come on celebrities!  You are setting a standard for what is acceptable for our teenagers to emulate and you all look like skanky ho's - shame on you!    Everyone was raving about Beyonce's performance - she is an entertainer and a talented singer but her latest album is, in my opinion self-indulgent crap.  Her performance was polished but rather than being called a display of feminism I am old fashioned enough to say it was overly suggestive, left nothing to the imagination and that I would be embarrassed if my children saw me moving around like that for the world to see, and not just because I am fat ;-)

Go to http://time.com/3169492/vmas-2014-recap-best-moments-highlights/  to see what I mean, although they all thought it was great?

Colby Callait made a fabulous video, TRY to show our girls that it is okay to just be yourself - sadly she was not featured at the VMA's.  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GXoZLPSw8U8

So far I know that by the time my children are adults people will be living on Mars.  Maybe wonderful things will happen, perhaps a cure/vaccine for cancer, or maybe doctors will learn more about the nervous system and how to manage pain.  I have no doubt that my girls will be wonderful and successful adults but the rest, at this stage, is really unpredictable and that is scary for a parent.  I know the challenges that each generation face are unique but looking at how fast things are changing now what will that future look like?

I will have challenges of my own, e.g. Will I feel unable and/or unwilling to keep up with technology.

Oh well, que sera and hold thumbs!

Bonhomie

Hello sports fans!  It has been some time since I have had time to write - let's just say that things have been pretty hectic!  I will give you a quick run down... Mom is still not well, kids are so busy, Megan with a huge Media Assignment and Jenna with Netball and Stage Challenge, I have begun my studies towards a Graduate Certificate in Tertiary Education Management and Haydn is almost finished his studies in BAP (or something :p).  Anyhoo - needless to say this makes for a very busy household.

There have been some milestones and note worthy's and so here is the brief update on all things NZ Skolmen Family:

Most significant update is that my Jenna-bee went for her second spine assessment and the news was great! Her curve has only accelerated 3 degrees in 6 months!  For those of you that don't know what that means - if it continues at this rate she will probably not need surgery like her sister did.  (To put this in perspective Megan curve accelerated 7 degrees in 3 months).  So we are as pleased as parents can be.

We have had a fortnight of medical madness from chiropractors to Starship spine specialists, to dermatologists to optometrists to blood tests and back to GP's but so far all seems to be pretty good.

I have gone to two rugby games with Haydn and I even enjoyed them!  These were Junior World Cup Games at our local stadium in Albany which is all of 4.2 kms from home.  Both were SA games, first against Scotland and second against my very own NZ All Blacks.  (Every single SA man reading this just grunted!)  I am first and foremost an All Black supporter because this is my home now and I know the players as they are always on our screens.  However, when it is and NZ vs. SA game I am quite honestly a neutral supporter - for me either way is a win!  Obviously if SA is playing anyone else then I will be rooting for them. In all honesty, I am not really a sports fan and so my allegiances should not really mean... anything.

We also finally bought a new lounge suite (sold our old one on TradeMe for $1 - hey is was really old).  Our new couches look great - like big puffy marshmallows of comfiness, although I think we are all still getting used to having something brand spanking new in our lounge and the poor dogs (Yes we still have Gracie) just don't understand why we keep yelling at them to stay off the furniture.

We have had two really note worthy winter storms the first blew yachts onto dry land or rocks from the Auckland harbor, gales ripped roofs off houses and downed trees and power lines all over.  Roads had to be closed as the ocean crashed onto beach roads and many were left without power and hot water for days. The second storm was not nearly as bad but drowned our home phone line - which has forced our girls learn to survive without WiFi (which is a basic human right - in case you did not know).  Hopefully a wet and windy, cold winter will bring a warm and sunny summer.

My word in the wilderness is bonhomie - I have been told that I exude a spirit of bonhomie, so I have added this to my lexicon.  Bonhomie: If you are known for your bonhomie, that's a good thing. It means that you are a cheerful friendly sort of person. Keep it up.

We should be bonhomies yo!

It's ok to be sappy - I've had 19 years of happy!

I am proud to say that yesterday was my 19th Wedding Anniversary, in today's world I believe that's a pretty fantastic achievement - especially when you consider that we dated for 6 years before that! Sadly, not everyone is as lucky as we are, but I do believe that there is a special someone out there that is meant just for you. 

Some people stay together for all the wrong reasons: convenience, fear, money, status and even to avoid gossip.   Staying together "for the kids" = knotty grounds indeed.  Having met some of these "kids" I would have to say that, in many cases, they wished that their parents had not stayed together.  

Of course, it is rough on kids when parents get divorced, but in many cases - it is even worse if they are living and learning from a loveless marriage.  Fighting, abuse, sarcasm, infidelity or even just plain apathy do not set the tone for these children to believe or put any faith at all into marriage as an institution.

Haydn and I have always teased about the "renewal of our annual contract" around anniversary time.  This is a light banter for us but I think it is probably not a bad idea to look at your relationship/marriage in this way.  

Consider that if you had to meet with your spouse/partner for an annual review, held to decide whether you would continue your relationship, would this alter your conduct?  Would this make you take less for granted and really appreciate one another?  Think about it?  When last did you just thank or compliment your person for something mundane?  Or just randomly gone up to said person and looked them deep in the soul and told them that you really love them?

Before we married Haydn and I agreed on the "unacceptables" and the "unconditionals" - any form of abuse would not be tolerated and absolute fidelity was always going to be an unconditional.  We have always agreed that if either one of us fell out of love we would be honest and end our contract.  Love is the cornerstone, trust and mutual respect is the edifice and coitus, the pleasurable upshot.  Really, if any of these are lacking it's time to remediate with immediate effect (you know what I'm saying).

Of course marriage is hard work - everything worth doing has its challenges but the rewards should always outweigh the hardships.  ALWAYS!  It's the same with having kids.  Hardwork - but the payoff can be fantastic.

Last night, for the very first time, we invited out daughters to join us for our anniversary dinner.  We went to the Orbit 360 which is the revolving restaurant in the Auckland city Sky Tower.  This is the first time that my girls have been exposed to fine dining and I am thrilled to say we had a wonderful time.  It is nights like this that make me feel completely overjoyed.

I wish everyone this kind of happiness. 

Once again Matchbox Twenty has the soundtrack to my life covered: Overjoyed (play me) 

The Trouble with Tracy...

There are so many ways to finish this sentence, where to begin?

The trouble with Tracy is that she has no filter.
The trouble with Tracy is that she has no shame.
The trouble with Tracy is that she lives with central pain syndrome.
The trouble with Tracy is that she has OCD when it comes to her housekeeping.
The trouble with Tracy is that she can be a bit sensitive.
The trouble with Tracy is that she can't say no.
The trouble with Tracy is that she reads too much.
The trouble with Tracy is that she watches too much TV.
The trouble with Tracy is that she is too open with her kids.
The trouble with Tracy is that her family is her whole world! (Everyone, everywhere)
The trouble with Tracy is that she is clumsy.
The trouble with Tracy is that she loves her husband to distraction.
The trouble with Tracy is that she has a warped sense of humor.
The trouble with Tracy is that she has childlike faith.
The trouble with Tracy is that she is always away with the faeries.
The trouble with Tracy is that she never gives up.
The trouble with Tracy is that she has anorexia reversa (looks in the mirror and thinks she looks great - haha haa!)

Yes, there are many things that can be said about me, some good and some, well... not so good.  However, the truth about Tracy is that I am a forty year old woman who is trapped in a very inconveniently flawed body, my self esteem is pretty average, but my attitude is is pretty great.  Hey, I am doing the best I can with what I've got!

There are many reasons for me being the way I am and choosing the life that I live - too many to get into.  

I would encourage any and all readers of this blog to consider that making a judgement on my life or anyone else is distasteful.  Always remember that you do no know what battles they are fighting.

Happy New Year and welcome to 2014

Another year has drifted by like a little boat bobbing along in the current.  At times the water was smooth as glass and our objectives were as clear as a mountain stream.  Other days it felt like we were being dragged out into open water and had no choice but to go with the flow.  There were also moments when we paddled frantically against the current, or found ourselves desperately scooping water out, so that it did not sink.  Yes, 2013 was a busy year indeed.

It is very gratifying to have achieved most of the goals set out for 2013 and our outlook for this year is pretty good.  My baby starts high school and I enter the next decade of my existence here on this lovely planet.  It is also the time of year where we miss our family and friends back home and wish we could just pop in for a visit and give you all a big old hug!  

I have just completed a book called "We need new names" by NoViolet Bulawayo, shortlisted for the Man Booker prize.  This story resonated with me as an expat who immigrated to find a "better life".  Like the book character, Darling I also feel like leaving your country for another leaves you with no country at all.  

Now that I am exposed to life in a first world country, I cannot go back to South Africa because I now understand how life is supposed to be.  But I am still a South African in my heart and so I will never feel completely at home in New Zealand.  I miss my friends and family very, very much, but I love the "way of life" here.  There is no way to balance the scale and so I live in a state of "checkmate".

The only way to endure the loss is to avoid thinking about it too much.  The only compensation is that my children do feel at home here and will have the advantages that this life offers.  Knowing what we know now we may not have left SA but seeing how things should be we also can't go back.

I was reminded why we did this last Saturday night while we were watching a DVD with family.  (To paint the picture we live across from a park that leads into a small native bush reserve, the front of our property is open to the street, we have no security gates, or bars of any kind - it is hot and humid and so everything is open). My sister-in-all (deliberate not a typo) said, "Imagine what people back home would say to this, here we sit at 11pm on a Saturday night, with all the doors (kitchen, front and sliding) wide open!"  

 

To which my daughter's puzzled reply was, "What's wrong with that?"

"That is why we live here" I replied.  We then had to explain this to our girls as they really did not see what the big deal was. 

So that is one of the reasons why we live here.  But it doesn't take away the yearning for home that is made so much worse at this time of year.  We find ourselves really missing everyone: Christmas was a party of 9, and our birthdays are coming up with so few to share in our special days, they become lonely times.  Just a decade ago we where spoiled for choice with people to see and places to go and now we are pretty insular.

Okay, enough of the sad violin music!  2014, right, sorry I will get back on track...

So as with every new year we have things we hope to accomplish and goals we aspire to achieve.  There is something magical about the fresh start we give ourselves at the turning of each year and THIS IS IT.  We will only live this year once and so let's all give it our best and meet back here is 12 months time to revisit the whole shebang!

I wish you all a fantastic 2014 and hope that you are all able to cross-off some of your own resolutions.