Hey, are you awake? I can’t sleep again. Must be worry – I am trying not to… but,
since I am not asleep - I guess it isn’t working. I feel like hiding under the bed but rationality
keeps reminding me to face my fears.
I found some lumps - painful and
insidious - running along my ribcage… and this, coupled with crippling painful,
crushing sensations have forced me to seek medical advice.
Sitting across from yet another
Specialist, (who is looking at me like I’m a 3D puzzle) I can’t help feeling
like I have sung this song too many times before. The song sheet is worn and wrinkled from use,
the folds along the spine are worst of all.
Centralised Pain? Central
Sensitization? Chronic pain, fibromyalgia, nerve damage, surgeries, treatments, physio, shrinks… the list
goes on and on, an exhaustive medical concordance.
As soon as I mentioned the lumps,
he threw the big C out there - a curve ball that has since chipped away at my
sleep and my sanity. More tests and scans. I fear the worst – who wouldn't? Today was the day that I would find out if
they’re tumors. Google can be such a
curse when you are impatient for results!
Nothing good ever came out of Google when you type in symptoms and
tests!
For the second time in two weeks I
walk into his room resignation etched into my very soul. I am expecting a resolution of some kind, I
have prepared myself for the worst. The man
who did the scan told me that he saw inflammation in my sternum, so I am
expecting… something. He looks at me,
takes a breath and begins to speak, “Tracy, I am pleased to tell you that the
scan came back normal. Normal for you,
that is, a bit of inflammation and arthritis, but nothing that would be an
obvious cause for the lumps or for the pain that you are experiencing…
certainly nothing in the bone anyway…” White noise.
He rambled on for a bit as relief spread like a balm. No cancer, no tumours… Once this had sunk in I made a sincere
effort to pay attention again to what he was saying.
No news is good news, but no news
also means no answers, no plan and no idea what is causing this. Can I behave
like a petulant child for just a moment?
Why can things never just be simple?
Why could it not just be: we can see that this is the problem, this is
the way we treat/fix this problem and so there is a simple solution. You may now get on with your life. Is that unreasonable? Inside Babycakes stamps her feet and screams
in absolute frustration! No reason? Refer me back to where I have come from? Nothing you can do? Waaah! Sniff, snort, sob.
SUCK IT UP BABYCAKES!
So here I am, another week has
passed and I am still no closer to an answer.
I still find myself in agony every day – it’s just the depth that
varies. Does this mean that there is no
answer? Should I simply accept my lot
and get on with it?
Then the voice of my inner shrink
comes out: “You have the only answer you're gonna get, you have central pain syndrome which
is real and causes real problems like allodynia and hyperalgesia and that, is
ALL it is”.
THAT IS ALL BABYCAKES!
When I need a really good talking to there is only one person who I will really listen to... ME.
So Babycakes pulled on her big girl panties, sucked it up and moved on…
But she still isn't thrilled about it!
