Dying
Light
In dark times when desire
for an end sparks into a flame.
Burning away at my will
and my sanity.
I think that I will go
gently into that good night, no rage for the dying of the light.
I will choose, at my
end to know that dark is indeed right and in that end I’ll find True Light.
And, as the embers
flicker please understand.
Fear nothing dear one,
it’s all in hand.
I wish I could have
stayed here longer to watch you on your stage.
But, there will be
players, some like me, to help with every age.
I have raged my last
and I am prepared to seek sweet slumber, peace, release.
Do not mourn for what
you should have said,
In truth I know your
heart.
I am ready to go
gently, I promise, towards the light.
Goodnight, goodnight.
The soul is released from broken cage, no more tears and no more rage.
Free from pain and free
from fear, my heart and soul are ever near.
SOMETIMES…
Sometimes, I wish that I could share my body with you,
to make you understand.
Overload, sensory overload that encumbers body and
mind.
Fibromyalgia, sweats, brain fog, headaches, fatigue.
Regularly, I wish that I could be liberated from this
inept vessel.
Usually, I believe that you all care and that you get
just as frustrated as I do.
Similarly, I am grateful for all of your support and
love.
Truthfully, I long to feel better
and be normal.
Ridiculously, I fantasize that
there will be a magic potion that will cure my ill.
Allodynia, burning, cutting abrasive
pain
Tiredness, restlessness and
limited sleep.
Inflammation, inside I am raw and exposed, a spark might
burst into flame.
Nerve pain, I long for a good day
or a peaceful, painless sleep.
Gnawing, burning, crushing, ache -
my constant companions.
Today, I wonder if I can carry on
- if I am strong enough.
Optimism dwindles, mindfulness restores,
mood bobbing.
Legs twitching, aching, bones like
dry ice, chest aflame or awash with pain.
Ignorance imparts insult, “you
look fine” or “you just need to…”
Vexed by the smallest task,
bedridden for days.
Eternal frustration, with myself,
my body and my environment.
Weather makes everything worse,
especially cold and wind.
Irritability, the light too bright
stabbing my brain, the world too loud.
Terror, future, disability, dependence
and doubt.
Heat, my soothing balm a small
comfort.
Constantly seeking a distraction
from chronic pain.
Preoccupied with information and control.
Sometimes, I wish that I could share my body with you,
to make you understand.
For my girls...
I am your mother,
you are my teenage daughters,
I am your
quiet place, you are my thundering waters,
I am your
safe haven, you are my bungee jumpers,
I am your conscience,
you are my tidiness trumpers,
I am your atm,
you are my big spenders,
I am your
restaurant, you are my picky meal attenders,
I am your taxi
driver, you both drive me crazy,
I am your laundromat,
you are my lazy,
I am your
housekeeper, you are my tornado,
I am your
referee, you are my bravado,
I am your greatest
fan, you are my masterpiece,
I am your
advocate, you are my timepiece,
I am your
kiss goodnight, you are my “everything will be alright”
I love you.
The Jailer
He has an intimate knowledge of me, yet has never been my friend nor lover
He can give or take on a whim, privacy, dignity, freedom
Relief is a handful of pills
Sweet, temporary oblivion
Sleep my elusive friend, tiredness shadows my days
He is my keeper and I, his reluctant prisoner
Dogging me every day, oppressive at night
Never leaves my side, a constant burning companion
He is deception, anger, tears, frustration and desperation
Chilling darkness, or blinding, searing light
Unwanted attention, relentless, with no reprieve
He is my keeper and I am an unwilling captive
Limitations, restraint, caution, fear, terror, trepidation
These words define me
Obedient, submissive, sometimes I crack
Foolishness, denial and rebellion, the joy of breaking the rules
Retribution, vengeance, pain tarnishes joy
He is my keeper, I must obey or pay
The jailer holds my sanity, yet he cannot crush my spirit
I find pleasure in the little things
The sweetness of my lover’s embrace
My children learn and flourish, so full of potential
I will take whatever he can dish out, please God, just let them be
He is my keeper but I disregard my fear
Each day he drags me down
I will pull myself back up, I will rise, until I rise no more
I will pull myself back up, I will rise, until I rise no more
No matter what I must endure, I know he holds others tighter still
I will consider myself lucky until I can no longer consider
I will snicker at his fury, when his grip can no longer hold me, when God calls me home
He is my keeper but death will break these shackles and set me free
For I am strength, courage, daughter, sister, wife, mother, friend, woman and he… is only pain.
Drawing Pin
Once proud and revered
Shame on you
Callous and dishonorable behavior
They now define you
Oft times you named others as unethical
I am stunned by you
Never would I have believed
I trusted you
The ones you have neglected
Karma will bind you
The path you are on leads only to destruction
Rock bottom will find you
In shame you walk alone
I pity you
So many missed opportunities
I offered to you
I have had to walk in discomfort for quite some time
But now, I see you
You are just a drawing pin in my shoe!
REBIRTH
Sounds strumming away at my consciousness.
Scratching and scuttling, like a mouse in a maze.
Ears ringing, ticking, humming, distant voices.
Is it time to emerge, can I?
Neurons fire, eyes flick open wide and anxious.
Burning and blinking, as bright as heaven.
Eyes burning, panic, breathe.
Just a room, cold and sterile, I remember.
Scratchy tongue dragging over cracked lips .
Thirsting and burning, the metallic taste of blood.
Stomach roils, bile rises and subsides.
I need water, can I have some water?
Sour smelling, the imminent bitterness subsides.
Gulping and inhaling, intermingled scents assault.
Head turns, aiding my olfactory will to escape.
People in scrubs, standing just behind me.
Muscles flexing, hand slowly sliding towards face.
Freezing and stiff, mind sluggish and reluctant.
Touching a crisp white sheet modestly draped over me.
I'm cold, can I have a blanket?
Mental stocktaking, heartbeat slowing, soothing fearfulness.
Toes twitching and moving, mind ticking like a clock.
Relief washes over me, like warm sunshine.
I have survived.
