The longest day of my life...
Have you ever felt each second of every hour sawing through your raw emotions with no reprieve or release for the mounting tension that consumes you? This is how I felt for roughly 8 hours, I didn't count them, my brain function was reduced to breathing and wiping my eyes.We were sent up to the Ronald MacDonald family lounge* for the day. The room is too bright and too open. I want to huddle in a dark padded room and rock or maybe bang my head against a padded wall until they call me to say the surgery is finally over. I want to go down to surgery and wait outside the door. I want to rewind the last 3 years and keep her spine form curving. Nobody cares what I want.
Like robots, we go through the motions of making coffee and sitting down. The second I think, I hurt. I ache with tension; my eyes burn and my throat feels inflamed and swollen. Haydn sits beside me, his arm wrapped around me - holding me together and the tears flow again. I can't verbalise my feelings I am too raw and broken. Hours pass but I remain in my vacuum, inconsolable and lost. I feel like such a baby but I can't make myself behave how I thought I would. I am not strong, I am weak and scared and... crying again!
Oh God! I thought You would never give me something I could not handle. I. Can't. Handle. This! Please God, just make it stop! This is where the bargaining began - in my head I was offering God my last breath if she would just be okay. I was trading my life, my soul - my everything - just so she would be okay. Just let this day be over.
But, when I looked at the time it was only 9am.
I could wring every tear from your eyes, I could drag out this torture - for hours - as it was dragged from me but I will fast forward. By about 11am I was so exhausted that I could not keep my red, swollen eyes open. The reception lady offered me a pillow and I tried to lie down on one of the couches. They were uncomfortable: just too short with arm rests that were too square, too hard and too high. I lay there for some time just staring at nothingness, battling my emotions and waiting, just waiting. Haydn was in his own hell and I could not offer him any support because I was a wrung out wet, limp rag of uselessness.
In the afternoon we went for a walk outside, trying to make the stubborn clock tick faster, it didn't work. We then went to the ward, Megan's stuff was in the nurses office as they were moving her to a high care private room from surgery. One good thing... no more Sponge Bob. We collected her things and sat in her new room, Room 8. It felt so empty, no bed, just two chairs to visit with a patient that was clearly not there.
The beast within screamed in anguish and the tears continued to flow. What the hell - how can I still have any moisture in my body for tears? We waited and waited and waited some more.
Eventually Dr. Ferguson walked past our room, I immediately set out after him and he dutifully turned back to tell us that the surgery had gone very well but that she was still in recovery. We would be called when she was awake. Half the world tumbled off my shoulders at his words as relief flooded within, like warm honey.
Some more time passed and we went to the nurses station to ask if we could go down to recovery and wait there (this is what we had been told would happen). "No, I'm sorry..." was the reply, "they have not called us yet, she may take some time to wake up."
So we waited some more... time still dragging itself around the clock without any consideration for my lack of patience. The anxiety began to build again with each tick, tock on the clock. Why was she taking so long to wake up? Why cant we just sit there with her? I want to see my baby! Another hour passed before we finally were told we could accompany the nurse to fetch Megan and bring her back to the Ward. At that moment I wished I had the power to teleport, instead we followed the nurse to the elevator and walked at a unreasonably normal pace.
Footnote:
*In retrospect I can say: the Ronald MacDonald family lounge is amazing!
It is a tastefully decorated lounge that can accommodate many people - maybe about 80 or so? There is a reception desk where you sign in with your child's name and Ward. Comfortable looking sofas, set in small groups or clusters with little coffee tables between them. A bookcase (holding reading for young and old) is filled to capacity and there is a children's corner that has toys and block and things to keep little sibling entertained. There are magazines all over. The kitchen area has a large fridge, stove and counter, there is also an island counter that is stacked with fruit, and various meals and snacks. The outer wall is floor to ceiling glass windows that overlook Auckland City making the room bright and light. There are coffee and tea making facilities and the staff prepare meals and snacks the whole day, until 5pm. The most incredible aspect... there is no charge and no limit to how often you visit or how much you consume. This is all based on donations from MacDonald's and the kindness of the staff who service the facility. So, next time you pass that box on the counter at Mac D's, pop a coin or two in the box!
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